Creative Mortification
Some years ago I was in a stage production. I had been asked to play the lead female role because no one else wanted to (scraping the barrel comes to mind), and because I read well. I accepted graciously even though I was completely honest that remembering lines is not my forte, I’m more of an ad-libber myself.
The production came and went, I forgot different lines on different nights and overall, it went well, however, after a gap of a week or two we were due to perform as part of a competition. Feeling some trepidation about performing in an unfamiliar space, I had thought of saying I wasn’t free and ended up wishing I had.
Your words (or someone else’s) become your world
In my defence, (you can tell where this is going), on the day of the competition, our rehearsal at this new venue didn’t happen, everything was chaotic. Later that day, we, the cast sat in the ‘Green Room’, a pokey shabby little room beneath the theatre waiting to go on stage. One of the cast started to reminisce about the time he had gone on stage and completely messed up the scene he was supposed to be doing by going straight into the next scene. My nerves were growing with every moment spent in the Green Room and so finally when we went upstairs and onto the stage, I lunged straight into scene two, instead of scene one, threw the rest of the cast off completely and wanted the stage to swallow me up. The story from the Green Room had lodged in my mind and I simply followed suit.
Words hurt
We somehow got through it as you do and as we exited at the end of a ruined scene one to re-enter for scene two, my fellow actor said “Well you stupendously F****d that up didn’t you!” I was mortified that I was responsible for making such a huge mistake right at the beginning, letting the cast and crew down, the audience and myself and of course crushing any chance of winning the competition. It was a feeling I never want to experience again and now to add to it I received this verbal blow as if I’d been hit full-on between the eyes. Ouch!!
Did I get up, dust myself off and carry on with my Am Dram (Amateur Dramatics) antics? Sort of. I continued to be a part of the group but only took on smaller roles with little or no lines or stayed within the confines of radio plays where reading from scripts is how it’s done. In fact, my scary, mad old crone character from Black Adder turned out to be one of my favourites.
A negative performance experience
What happened to me was ‘Creative Mortification’ the definition of which is ‘the loss of one’s willingness to pursue a particular creative aspiration following a negative performance outcome.’ So what did I learn from my ‘Creative Mortification’ experience? Firstly that it stings, secondly that I can manage to get to the end no matter how bad it feels and thirdly that if I don’t want to pursue something again and accept my less-than-great ability to remember lines, that’s okay. Nobody died, nothing terrible happened, and life goes on. As much as I spend most of my working time helping people to overcome issues and reach their goals, just like knowing which fights to pick and which to leave, I chose to leave major line learning to others and enjoy what I can do.
In conclusion, whereas oftentimes we need to let go of limiting beliefs and make changes to move on, sometimes it’s okay to drop one thing and concentrate on another and most importantly have fun!
UPDATE August 2023
Since writing the above article I have ventured back onto the stage with a character who has lines! A four-year absence, and a new way of learning lines, as well as heaps of encouragement from many quarters, has resulted in me playing the part of a ‘scurvy maid’, a very dishevelled member of the downstairs staff at a stately home. Think satirical spoof of Downton Abbey. The play is fabulously funny (comedy is definitely my niche; we can’t be great at everything, however, finding what works and what we are better at is empowering). This time I’m having fun learning the lines and that’s not something I would normally be heard to say (this is where fear had taken over before, the Creative Mortification, and a belief that I couldn’t learn lines easily).
So, while I still agree with myself that it is perfectly fine to choose not to do something at a particular time, I can always allow myself to revisit a door I thought had closed and have fun doing so.
What doors do you need to revisit and open in your life?
#changingyourmindisfine
Credit to Mark Dunn of the Bovey Players for his groundbreaking line-learning technique and to my good friend and director Simon Mathews for encouraging me to step up and become a scruffy, scurvy, rather naive and wonderfully funny downstairs maid.
